You Might Be A Contrabass Maniac If:

You might be a contrabass maniac if:

You own a non-keyboard instrument capable of playing Db1

You know which note is Db1

You can distinguish Db1 from D1

You own an instrument taller than at least one of your children

and he/she's in kindergarten

and he/she's in junior high school

and he/she is an adult

and he/she is taller than you are...

You own an instrument that weighs more than at least one of your children

Not including the case

And your child plays football

Professionally

People come up to you after a concert and ask "What is that thing?"

And after you tell them, and they still don't understand

And its your band director who's asking

Your instrument eats smaller instruments when you turn your back

Including euphoniums and bass clarinets

and tubas

and pianos, if it hasn't been fed for a while...

You drive a van or truck because your instrument won't fit in anything smaller

Its a flatbed truck

with a crane

When you buy an instrument, it must be shipped by truck

And the case is extra

And it still requires assembly after being shipped by truck...

The waiting list for a new one from the factory is 3 generations

Your repairman makes house calls

Your repairman drives a Porsche

But needs a trailer to carry your spare parts

But needs a shop to fabricate your spare parts

Your instrument rests on the floor while you play it

And it has to be the ground floor to comply with the local building codes

You had to bribe the local zoning board to be able to play it in a residential area

You had to install a skylight in your house to set up your instrument

And you already have cathedral ceilings...

Your mouthpiece is equipped with an aircraft warning beacon

Your mouthpiece is so high off the ground that you get light-headed before you start to play

The bell is an architectual feature of your house

You've ever been trapped inside the case for your instrument

You had to obtain a building permit to make the case.

The case for your instrument has wheels

18 of them

or treads

and its own lights

and a WIDE LOAD sign

and a motor

and beeps when you back up...

You use the Goodyear blimp for a gig bag

You've been to the hospital more than once for hyperventilation

Your spouse now brings an oxygen tank to your gigs

Your instrument has more than five valves

Your valves have

external springs

shock absorbers

power assist

You buy valve oil by the quart

Your instrument requires annual emissions testing

Your lower notes register on the Richter scale

And the seismograph is across town

In another state

And you've been personally responsible for erroneous earthquake reports

And you've been personally responsible for nonerroneous earthquake reports

And the US Geological Survey now telephones to see if you've been practicing before they report any seismic activity

In the "off season", you provide Sen Surround at the local movie theater.

You once left your instrument unattended, and someone stenciled "Pitch In" on the bell

You can leave your instrument unattended, because nobody can steal it without construction equipment

Although you sometimes have to evict squatters

or spelunkers

You've ever found a foreign object in the bell

And the object was larger than a golf ball

And the object was larger than a baseball

People use your bell to practice their dunk shots

with a basketball

And it was the music from your last performance

Which was a musical

with a large book

You've ever lost an object in the bell

and it was a pet

You've ever heard voices (not your own) coming from the bell

When you look into the neck you can see Mars

And the instrument itself can be seen from Mars

Your bell has its own weather

rain

hail

snow

tides

climate

Your neckstrap requires more padding than your seat

You have to warn people when you're going to move your instrument

And it has rearview mirrors

And it beeps when you back up...

Your mouthpiece weighs more than some trumpets

More than a Monette trumpet

and is large enough to drink from

to bathe in

to waterski in

You use a helicon as a mouthpiece adapter

Your reed is the size of some mouthpieces

You have trouble just finding reeds

You buy 2 by 4's from the lumberyard for reeds

Your replacement pads are larger than a silver dollar

a drink coaster

a frisbee

You use a sheep for a swab

No, it's a grizzly bear

A mammouth

You've played it 10 years and have never had to empty the spitvalve (OK, "water key")

You donated your old instrument to the local high school, and they were able to re-equip their entire band just from the scrap proceeds

You have more than 8 feet of PVC pipe in your garage, and it isn't for lawn sprinklers

You know what a cimbasso is

And the proper pronunciation

And you've played one

Own one

You know what a sarrusophone is

And you've played one

Own one

And you know the difference between a sarrusophone and a contrabasse á anche

Your band/orchestra part rarely has notes faster than an eighth note

You often count more than 32 bar rests

Your parts are so low that it is more practical to write the frequency of each note in Hz than to write all the ledger lines

Playing the upper register requires a helium injector

You've read this far down the list ;-)

You don't bother connecting the tweeters on your stereo

Your glasses sometimes vibrate when you play

Your stand vibrates when you play

The windows vibrate when you play

The TV picture tube down the hall vibrates when you play

Something vibrates, but you can't tell what

Everything vibrates

Books fall of their shelves

People or animals look out the window for the moving van

People call to order a moving van...

Musical Offenses and Penalties (for Jazz Ensemble)

Da Capo

To Compendium

Contributors:
Grant Green
Nick
Jeff
Grant Schampel
Andy Harman