Musical Offenses, and Corresponding Fines*

Bad Taste

Equipment Violations

Obnoxiously showy warmup $15 Dropping mute $10
Vibrato on unison passage $10 Dropping horn $50
Failure to swing $90 Dropping dead $3
Playing highest possible note during warmup $25 Forgetting pencil $10
Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig $10 Forgetting porno magazines $99
Failure to use 3rd valve slide when necessary $10 Blaming mistake on bad reed $35
Being told by Leader to play louder $75 Blaming mistake on sticky valve $35
Taking tuning note up an octave $20 Polishing horn on stage $65
Playing Bb when band is playing A $45

More Bad Taste

Blacking out after high note $10 Having nicer gig bag than rest of section $25

Lead Players

Practicing legit style on commercial gig $15
Changing mouthpiece mid-song $15 Beginning sentence with "When I played with Kenton" $99
Faking section into early entrance $15 Wearing white socks with black suit $15
Faking self into early entrance $90 Looking better than Band Leader $25
Asking Leader if it's OK to take lick up an octave $25 Playing better than Leader $1
Asking Leader if it's OK to take lick down an octave $75

Basic Stupidity

Missing last note on "In the Mood" $95 Drunkenness on gig $10

Non-Lead Players

Sobriety on gig $75
Missing entrance when lead player drops out on unison $25 Sitting next to Leader at pre/post gig meal $85
Hanging over when lead player drops out on last chord $85 Riding to gig with Leader $95
Attempting unassigned high note $90 Pretending to be friends with Bone players $25
Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses $25 Actually being friends with Bone player $50
Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took it up $50 Dating Bone player $95
Attempting to out-screech lead player $30 Playing on a Jet-Tone mouthpiece $15
Successfully out-screeching lead player $95 Playing an Accordion $99
Continuously asking "Where are we?" $30 Reporting income to IRS $99

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*Apparently compiled by a trumpet player...