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Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 20:21:06 EDT
Subject: Re: Contrabass Tubas
In a message dated 4/30/99 2:29:18 AM, Heliconman@aol.com writes:
<<Today, I went to visit the Harvard Band with a fellow tuba player buddy and
we played, as best we could, the legendary Harvard BBB-flat Tuba made by
"Besson & Sons, London England, Carl Fischer, U.S Agent, New York" .>>
What a great story! Thanks for telling us about the legendary monster. Hope
we do get to see some photos. Before I got the stand for my bass sax, I used
to lay it on the carpet when I took a break from practice. Once I came back
and found my cat asleep in the bell. Later I was sorry I didn't go find a
camera and take a picture before I poured her out on the floor. (She was not
pleased.) That's nothing to a horn that will hold a person, though. And
here we all thought that quiz about how to tell if you're a contrabass maniac
was a joke....
What kind of stinker would steal a mouthpiece that size, anyway? What did
somebody expect to do with it? Would it fit any other instrument?
Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 20:25:26 EDT
Subject: 1897 Evette-Schaeffer contrabass
I've had some private e-mails about this thread. One person sent me a
lengthy, earnest exhortation to mend my evil ways, and included a number of
specific moral and religious instructions. I thanked this person privately
for the benevolent intention, but on the usual editorial theory that for
everyone who writes, ten more think the same thing but say nothing, please
let me clarify a few things:
- The short story is *fiction* and not autobiographical.
- I'm not a Satanist or a Cthulhu cultist.
- The hero of the story isn't a Satanist or a Cthulhu cultist, either. The antagonist of a story is not the hero. The hero is called the protagonist. The antagonist is the villain.
- The *fictitious* engraving on the *fictitious* contrabass sax is pornographic. However, my short story is not pornographic. (Don't everybody say "Aw, damn" at once.)
- If I have a soul, it isn't for sale. Rent, maybe, but with conditions of use; and I'd want a pretty hefty deposit.
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction."
Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 10:55:14 -0400
Subject: Re: 1897 Evette-Schaeffer contrabass
>4. The *fictitious* engraving on the *fictitious* contrabass sax is
>pornographic. However, my short story is not pornographic. (Don't
>everybody say "Aw, damn" at once.)
Aw damn it twice. :-)
>5. If I have a soul, it isn't for sale. Rent, maybe, but with
>conditions of use; and I'd want a pretty hefty deposit.
Probably rent it for a contrabass sax...
Since you brought up the Beltane, here is a cute one I had stashed in a dusty directory;
Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Beltane Planner
- April 1: Finalize guestlist for Beltane shindig. Decide that Al Gore will be the May King this year, seeing as Bill was it last year. Cross off Monica as possible May Queen, considering the fiasco from last year. Perhaps Janet Reno would consent to being May Queen this year? Have my people contact her people.
- April 2: Check jousting fields out back and mow. Meet with vet at noon for inspection of destriers.
- April 3: Confirm the Skyclad Strolling Minstrels for the party. Make paper for Beltane invitations out of papyrus growing in water garden.
- April 4: Coven meeting. Channel Sybil Leek.
- April 5-10: Fly to Ireland to collect the nine sacred woods necessary for the Beltane fire. Meet with the Sidhe to arrange for special guest appearances by the Dagda and Aengus. Have dinner with Bono et wife.
- April 11: Special guest appearance at the Temple of the Pleasant Fabrics to discuss new ways to worship satin.
- April 12: Meet with florist to special order flowers from Hawaii to float in pool. Inspect back yard for poison ivy, spray with organic herbicide.
- April 13: Craft horn crown for the May King out of Sculpey. Craft flower headdress for May Queen out of silk flowers specially ordered from the Temple of Pleasant F abrics.
- April 14: Send out invites for party, confirm Al as May King. Janet backed out, have my people call Rosie's people.
- April 15: Beat tax accountant with flogger for not getting me a large enough tax return.
- April 16: Special guest appearance on Rosie. Confirm Rosie as May Queen.
- April 17: Spray poison ivy with organic herbicide, again. Mow jousting field, again. Informal party with the jousters in the hayloft of the barn.
- April 18: Pull rest of hay out of hair. Meet with house staff to review party menu. Check the mead in the basement. Coven meeting, Movie Night! Bring popcorn-on-ears grown in garden last year for snack.
- April 19-21: Quicky visit to the Caribbean for deep sea fishing with "The Boys."
- April 22: Begin receiving RSVP's for party. Mow jousting field again. Use non-organic herbicide on poison ivy.
- April 23: Inspect 18-foot imported farm-grown teak Maypole. Sand smooth, polish to a sheen with Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Personal Lubricant. Flog staff member for video-taping the polishing.
- April 24: Erect Maypole in backyard. Plant petunias from BigK around the base. Make silk ribbons for Maypole.
- April 25: Wymin meeting! Get in touch with my masculine side.
- April 26: Begin construction of Robe of Flowers to resemble Bloudewedd for Beltane. Bake 25 dozen Devil's Food cakes and freeze. Sugar 3 pounds of violets to garnish; refrigerate.
- April 27: Mow jousting field. Spray poison ivy with commercial-strength herbicide.
- April 28: Begin chilling mead on imported ice block imported from Greenland. Fold 200 cloth napkins to resemble male and female genitalia.
- April 29: Pick up the Dagda and Aengus in backyard circle of stone/portal. Situate them comfortably in the hill out back.
- April 30: Small ritual to celebrate the end of winter with the coven, the Dagda, and Aengus. Do the wild thing with The Dagda and Aengus in the bushes.
- May 1: Buy mass quantities of Homeopathic Calamine lotion at BigK and apply to rash. Hire new subcontractor to pull up poison ivy still hiding in the bushes. Carve 60 pounds of fresh fruit to resemble flowers.
- May 2: Party! Finish flower robe by hot-gluing flower petals to silk robe. Bathe in homeopathic calamine. Flog staff members just for the hell of it. Take homeopathic Benadryl for itch. Arrange flowers on top of maypole. Make 20 gallons of fresh squeezed lemonade. Have staff strategically place Pagan Condoms throughout the house and yard. Ride in on white mare. Greet guests. Forget took benadryl and drink copious amounts of mead. Barf in bushes. Dance nekkid around the maypole. Crown Al and Rosie. Jump the fire. Test Al's fitness to be the new King of the Land.
- May 3: Send Al home. Thank the gods I'm not Tipper. Bathe in homeopathic calamine again. Start making plans for Lughnasdha.
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From: "Tommie Naslund" <email@example.com>
Subject: New contrabass sax.
Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 10:52:50 +0200
Has anyone of heard about the new contrabass sax design?
I just picked up my overhauled bass sax at my repairman's and he told me
about a contrabass prototype he tested in Germany just a while ago. It's
apparently a completely new design with a bore more like a baritone sax, it
should be played with a baritone mouthpiece. I saw a picture and it looked
sort of like a baritone with an extra curve. According to my repairman the
sax had a full and rich tone with lots of power, almost with a response like
a baritone. I think it sounds like the inventor has made some kind of cross
between a sax and a sarrusophone.
I don't think any of these new contrabasses has been on the market yet, but
I heard that the maker is trying get some orders so he can start the first
serial batch soon. I believe the price is less than half the price of the
LA. Sax contra. But it's still a lot of money for me...
Mr. Tommie Naslund
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