Vol. 5, No. 57
Sat, 25 Apr 1998
Volume 1 : Number 57
In this issue:
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 18:49:11 EDT
From: OctoContra <OctoContra@aol.com>
Subject: Instrument Jokes
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the
ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist
to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to scream that they could have done
it if they had the high notes.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season
he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino?
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would
be a good idea.
What's the definition of a major second?
Two tenors singing in unison.
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching
action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?
In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced
at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you
tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
High School Chorus Jokes
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high
school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with
TENOR IQ TEST:
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% it means you're really a
1).Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Faure's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
2).Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the
other five. [5 pts.]
3). Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the
paper. [10 pts.]
4). Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
5). Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
6). Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
7). Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
8). Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with
the slowest first.
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
9). Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
10). Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's
a) Elton John
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
11). Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) David Bowie
12). Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini
13). Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
14). From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
b) Sri Lanka
15). For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
16). Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall -- anon.
17). From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
18). Spell the following musical terms.
19). Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
20). Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well
known Canadian broadcasting corporation.
To all choral singers/conductors:
A few clarifying definitions.
Tonic: What is generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal
Dominant: In a choral relationship, usually the alto.
Augmentation: Special surgery for altos involving the
implantation of falsettos.
Score: Basses 3, Tenors 0.
Riff: What happens when someone takes your choir robe.
Contralto: An alto who has been convicted.
Polychoral Motet: Six parrots singing "Exultate
Aleatoric Music: Music composed by the random selection
of pitches and rhythms. Frequently found in the choir anthem.
Basso Continuo: When the director can't get them
Castrato: The highest male voice (some alteration required)
Etude: What comes right before the Beatitudes
Concerto Grosso: An accordion concert.
Glissando: What directly precedes the highest note of
Leitmotif: Like a regular motif, but less filling.
Polonaise: A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.
Recapitulation: What usually happens after you eat a parrot
Rondo: A popular sixties song, as in "Help, help me, Rondo."
Theme: We hate this anthem.
Theme and Variations: We hate this anthem, the composer,
and all of the composer's relatives.
Smorzando: The "All-You-Can-Eat" buffet at Luciano's
Grand Pause: When the conductor loses his
Perfect Pitch: Throwing a banjo in the dumpster without
hitting the sides.
Cantus Firmus: A singer in good physical condition.
As opposed to the "cantus phlabbious." (See "sackbut")
Antiphonal: Leaving your answering machine on all the
Sackbut: A choral singer over 40.
Heterophony: The only kind of music allowed at the Southern
Chorale Partitas: Small choir get-togethers that are frequently
interrupted by the police.
PASS THIS ON. I THINK IT IS FUNNY. SHARE THE JOY WITH OTHERS.
End of list V1 #57
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