Vol. 5, No. 57

In this issue:
 

• Instrument Jokes

Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 18:49:11 EDT
From: OctoContra <OctoContra@aol.com>
Subject: Instrument Jokes
 

Soprano Jokes:

• If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
• 1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
• 2. Who cares?
• What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
• You can negotiate with a terrorist.
• What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
• The lipstick.
• What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
• The jewelry.
• How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
• 1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
• 2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
• 3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
• What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
• Stage makeup.
• What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
• About 10 pounds.
• How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
• Some people actually like sewer rats.

• What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
• One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
• How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
• The horses seem very relieved.
• What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
• Looks for her instrument.
• What's the definition of an alto?
• A soprano who can sightread.
• How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
• Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Alto Jokes:

• What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
• Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
• How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
• 1. None. They can't get that high.
• 2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Tenor Jokes:

• How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
• Four. One to change the bulb and three to scream that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
• How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
• The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
• Where is a tenor's resonance?
• Where his brain should be.
• What's the definition of a male quartet?
• Three men and a tenor.
• Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

 
• If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

 
• What's the definition of a major second?
• Two tenors singing in unison.

Bass Jokes:

• How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
• Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
• How do you tell if a bass is dead?
• 1. What's the difference?
• 2. Who cares?
• In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
• The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
• How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
• None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

High School Chorus Jokes

• What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
• The tennis final has more men.
• How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
• On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
• What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
• The performance causes more suffering.
• Why do high school choruses travel so often?
• Keeps assassins guessing.
• What's the definition of an optimist?
• A choral director with a mortgage.
• What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
• It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

TENOR IQ TEST:

1).Who wrote the following:

a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Faure's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle

2).Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5 pts.]

3). Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.  [10 pts.]

4). Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?

a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola

[1 pt.]

6). Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?

a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton

7). Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5 pts.]

8). Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.

a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace

9). Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5 pts.]

10). Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?

a) Elton John
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Liberace

11). Which of the following is the odd one out?

a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) David Bowie

12). Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.

Boheme, La               [5 pts.]

14). From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?

a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan

15). For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?           [5 pts.]

16). Which is the odd one out?

a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall -- anon.

17). From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."        [5 pts.]

18). Spell the following musical terms.

allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo

19). Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?           [5 pts.]

20). Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known Canadian broadcasting corporation.

C, C, B.

To all choral singers/conductors:
A few clarifying definitions.

Tonic:  What is generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal
Dominant:  In a choral relationship, usually the alto.
Augmentation:  Special surgery for altos involving the implantation of falsettos.
Score:  Basses 3, Tenors 0.
Riff:  What happens when someone takes your choir robe.
Contralto:  An alto who has been convicted.
Polychoral Motet:  Six parrots singing "Exultate Justi"
Aleatoric Music:  Music composed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms.  Frequently found in the choir anthem.
Basso Continuo:  When the director can't get them to  stop.
Castrato:  The highest male voice (some alteration required)
Etude:  What comes right before the Beatitudes
Concerto Grosso:  An accordion concert.
Glissando:  What directly precedes the highest note of a descant.
Leitmotif:  Like a regular motif, but less filling.
Polonaise:  A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.
Recapitulation:  What usually happens after you eat a parrot sandwich.
Rondo:  A popular sixties song, as in "Help, help me, Rondo."
Theme:  We hate this anthem.
Theme and Variations:  We hate this anthem, the composer, and all of the composer's relatives.
Smorzando:  The "All-You-Can-Eat" buffet at Luciano's
Grand Pause:    When the conductor loses his place.
Perfect Pitch:  Throwing a banjo in the dumpster without hitting the sides.
Cantus Firmus:  A singer in good physical condition.  As opposed to the "cantus phlabbious."  (See "sackbut")
Antiphonal:  Leaving your answering machine on all the time.
Sackbut:   A choral singer over 40.
Heterophony:  The only kind of music allowed at the Southern Baptist Convention.
Chorale Partitas:  Small choir get-togethers that are frequently interrupted by the police.

PASS THIS ON.  I THINK IT IS FUNNY.  SHARE THE JOY WITH OTHERS.

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